Last night Mistress went to bed way before me, before 11 I think... and it was my firm intention to go to bed before midnight too (I've had a lot of late nights this last fortnight and I could do with a good night's sleep). I finished up a blog post I was writing for a non-sex related blog I write and then somehow stumbled across a forgotten bookmark to a website called 'Heavy Fetish' which has literally dozens of great 'Femdom Empire' clips that I had completely forgotten about.
I won't post the link here because I will probably fall foul of the Blogger bots again, just go to heavyfetish.com and search Femdom Empire. A veritable treasure trove of quality Femdom content awaits!
After watching a couple of those (and no I didn't touch my cock - but don't feel too proud of me yet) I was feeling very inspired to write and set about sketching out yet another story. As you probably know if you are a bit of a night owl, after midnight time goes insanely quickly and every time I looked at the clock it was half an hour later, until finally at 1:30AM I decided that I really needed to go to bed (even though I wasn't feeling at all tired).
I laid in bed for half an hour, struggling to sleep or get comfortable... my shoulder/arm was feeling very odd, I think I may have a slightly pinched nerve or something because my shoulder feels like a jumble of bones and my arm feels a bit numb too, so that wasn't helping and at 2AM I decided it would be best if I went in the spare room as I didn't want my fidgeting to wake Mistress R.
At first I thought I might fall asleep straight away, but instead I lay awake for another hour with the story (and the clips) buzzing around my head... and also our contract, which is very overdue for review. I actually took it downstairs last night with a view to asking Mistress if we could look at it, but she was very tired and the last thing I wanted was to do it when she wasn't fully focussed on it.
Predictably, as I lay there neither fully awake or properly asleep for the next HOUR my cock hardened and softened depending on what I was thinking about, but still I resisted the strong temptation to touch it. And finally at about 3AM I fell asleep... for all of 45m, and when I woke up I was immediately wide awake with my head full of overwhelming thoughts of Femdom, Mistress and our contract.
As I lay there, my head absolutely swirling, one thought formed in my head that quietened all the others: I wish Mistress was 'meaner' to me and my punishments were more of a deterrent.
Just typing that, my head is spinning again and my heart is beating faster.
And as I lay there, at 4AM, my hand was drawn to my cock which was so ridiculously hard I honestly thought I could cum without even touching it. After a few VERY gentle strokes I removed my hand, not through fear of being punished for touching myself, but because I was genuinely worried I might actually cum VERY VERY suddenly and I did not want to have to explain that to Mistress in the morning.
I can't really explain how I felt in that moment, but it's something I probably haven't felt since the last time I was heavily writing (about nine months ago). It seems like when I'm not writing I unconsciously supress a lot of this stuff until it eventually bubbles back to the surface, but this time it doesn't seem to have bubbled to the surface so much as exploded like a volcano. Truthfully I don't usually find myself in this state until I have written MANY stories and actually this is usually what curtails my productivity, because eventually it becomes too much. Because when I am writing story after story it's a constant background hum in my head that eventually creates a disconnect between what I write and what I can reasonably expect in real life.
Now, I'm not stupid, I know the difference between fantasy and reality... so it's not so much 'dissatisfaction' with reality vs fantasy, it's more a nagging frustration that I feel like I don't do a good enough job of convincing Mistress how amazing she really is and how much I worship her amazing body... because in my stupid submissive male head I imagine how she might act differently if she saw herself the way I see her (...yes, I know. Get a grip!).
But still, I wish I could adequately explain exactly how I feel when she allows me to worship her gorgeous ass, when I make her cum really hard, or even when she allows me to kiss her beautiful feet. I just want to make her feel like the absolute Goddess she truly is...
Sigh.
I'm not sure if continuing to write will provide a 'release' of sorts, or if it will just intensify this already very intense feeling...? The masochist in me hopes it's the latter, but I don't think I can take feeling this way for too long without it driving me round the twist...
Sometimes I genuinely wish I was a bit less weird, life would be so much simpler.
But then again I absolutely love that Mistress now has at least ten orgasms for every one that she allows me, although to be honest I would be more than happy if I never had a 'proper' orgasm again and Mistress kept me in a constant state of intense frustration and need.
I love that her orgasms are the most important thing and I love that she allows me to help her enjoy them.
Of course I absolutely adore it when Mistress teases me, but if Mistress ever asked me to choose between being teased and being allowed to worship her ass I KNOW I would choose the later.
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