FEMDOM SESSION 2nd February 2014

Today’s session got off to a slightly uncomfortable start as I had to confess to a couple of instances of illegal touching/, which I had indulged in earlier this week after Mistress had gotten up (she gets up about an hour before I do, but gets home 1.1/2-2 hours before I do too). As you can imagine, having gone four weeks without a truly satisfying orgasm (my last one was very much borderline ruined) in recent days my cock has been rock hard in the morning, leaking pre-cum and desperate for attention. Having not been sleeping well lately hasn’t helped since when Mistress gets up I can’t seem to get back to sleep and so of course I am ill prepared to fight the temptation to touch my cock.

Mistress decided to give me fifteen strokes of the cat, straight off the bat. That isn’t too many more than normal, but for some reason they stung a lot more. Number five in particular stung as the whip found it’s way between my legs and caught my balls a treat. I winced my way through my punishment (Mistress later asked if I was hamming it up, seriously!) and was rather relieved when it was over, though Mistress didn’t seem to think she’d hit me any harder than usual… hmm.

Soon I had forgotten about the pain as the Oxballs Cocksling tightened around my swelling cock. Mistress had me worshipping her feet while she lay on the bed, clad in a PVC top and skirt with only straps around her gorgeous breasts (I love that top). I could hear her dildo inside her pussy making a gorgeous noise but concentrated on worshipping her beautiful feet until I was ordered to lick her glass dildo clean for her.

After I had worshipped her other foot equally well, she had me lick and suck her dildo a second time before ordering me on to the bed on my back. She tied me to the bed and quickly sank down onto my face. She tasted wonderful, but after a few seconds she stood up and started fucking herself again. Then she was back on my face again, ordering me to push my tongue inside her, which I tried to do but she kept grinding her clit against my tongue instead.

By now my cock was rock hard and I was hoping she would slid down onto it, but sadly not. Instead she grabbed my cock and started pumping it hard, her nails digging in as she explained that she thought my cock needed to be properly punished for my misdemeanours, little did I know how true that would be by the end of the session!

Mistress abused my cock for some time, digging her nails into it and also scraping them across my tightly constricted balls. The thing is the Oxballs holds you very tight so there is very little movement in the skin, I imagine it’s a bit like being circumcised, I believe circumcised men need to use lube to masturbate. Well there wasn’t any lube, and there was plenty of Mistress’s very long nails. On the upside I think it’s the lube that reacts with the Oxballs and causes the stinging, of which there was none this time, so…. swings and roundabouts.

Mistress now decided to blindfold me and then she told me it was time for me to have something up my ass. I was expecting the new butt plug, but when I felt the cold tip of the lube coated glass dildo I was quite happy, because it feels great. It feels even better when Mistress fucks me with it while stroking my cock and that’s exactly what she did next.

I was really enjoying that part of the session and wished it could have continued on longer, but alas no. Soon I felt the new vibrating butt plug being pushed into my asshole, and after deciding on a setting and attaching a couple of clothes pegs to my nipples (stronger ones than last time, because they were pointless) she left me to stew for a while.

The right clothes peg hurt more than the left one, maybe it wasn’t pushed on as far, but I could definitely feel them this time. The butt plug wasn’t as strong as I expected, but the thing is the vibrations acted as a reminder that it was there. Often when Mistress leaves me tied up with a butt plug inside me I almost forget about it until she takes it out, no chance of that here. At least I didn’t have to worry about it causing an unauthorised eruption!

When Mistress returned she removed the pegs without a second’s warning (ouch!) and then the blindfold and then untied me and told me to remove the Oxballs. I moved out of the way and she lay down on the bed and spread her legs, exposing her delicious pussy to me as she stroked my cock with her toenails. Her skirt was gone but she was still wearing the PVC top, she always looks so gorgeous like that.

I bent and laid down between her silky smooth thighs and began eating her pussy, she tasted so good and after a while her muscles tightened and tightened until she finally bucked and came hard under my tongue. I love nothing more than feeling that and it was so hot to watch as she stood up on the bed with her juices literally running down the backs of her legs as she snapped her fingers and pointed to the beads that were down by her calves already.

I greedily lapped them up before turning my attention to the soaking wet PVC sheet. There was so much pussy juice, it was wonderful. As I lapped at the sheet Mistress reached under me and started pumping my cock again. Then she ordered me onto my back and tied me down once more before standing over me, teasing me with her pussy and ass. She lowered herself down onto me and stroked me cock as I begged to lick her asshole. She gave permission and she continued pumping my cock as I tongued her tight hole. She gave me a second chance to tongue her ass before telling me that she was going to allow me to cum today, providing I could cum before she counted to ten.

Strangely, although my cock was really hard I felt a long way from the edge, a really long way…. and frankly I was a little worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it. Mistress was pumping my cock really hard and counting very slowly it seemed to me, she obviously wanted me to cum because each number came slower than the last one. Around about five I felt something click into place, but it wasn’t until nine that I got to the edge and then erupted violently.

It was brutal, it just seemed to keep coming, like as if I’d cum once and then another one followed straight on, and all the while Mistress was pumping me so hard… it was as near as I’ve cum to post-orgasm torment, and being tied down all I could do was buck beneath her as she pumped out an unfeasibly large amount of cum which she then fed to me and I swallowed down. Afterwards my poor cock looked as if it had been thoroughly ‘tenderized’, with little nail marks all down the left side and the skin swollen and red. Not that I’m complaining you understand!

FEMDOM SESSION 22nd December 2013

As I said, I’m not going to give a blow by blow of today’s Femdom session, because there’s already twenty or more posts which will give you the gist, and there wasn’t anything dramatically different in today’s session which merits an in depth review.

That said, it was jolly good! Mistress didn’t let me cum, but she did let me lick her ass and my cock was rock hard for a lot of the session. I had the glass butt plug in my ass twice (actually the second time I asked for it…) and I would have loved for Mistress to have fucked me with her RodeoH strap on, I think that will have to be on my reward list for next time I lose some weight… perhaps Mistress can combine it with my last reward which I haven’t had yet.


We both noticed a difference since the last session, in that I felt and looked a fair bit slimmer. I have lost six pounds since the last session after all… I am getting weighed tomorrow night, last week I stayed the same, this week I am hopeful of losing something. My next weigh in will be next Monday… that’s going to be a tough one for sure!


Most importantly, Mistress had a really good orgasm and we are feeling very close and content right now.

FEMDOM SESSION 23rd November 2013

It’s a little over an hour since our session finished and despite having eaten lunch I can still taste Mistress’s delicious pussy. Even more amazing since I had to swallow 29 days of cum as well, but more on that later.

Mistress had me wear the rubber cockring instead of the Oxballs this time and Mistress also decided that since she couldn’t punish me for touching my cock without permission she was instead going to ‘punish’ me for touching her without permission. (Ye Gads, where will this end!) At least it was only the whip and not the paddle, but that being said, it seemed an usually robust whipping!


Thankfully it didn’t last too long and then Mistress had me worshipping her beautiful feet while she toyed herself with her glass dildo, I wasn’t blindfolded and managed to sneak one look without being caught. Meanwhile Mistress was teasing me about whether I’d be allowed to cum or not, and if so where and how…


When she’d had enough of that she tied me down on the bed and stood over me, fucking herself with the dildo and then having me suck it clean for her. Then she sat on my face and had me lick her gorgeous pussy. She tasted wonderful and very ‘silky’, I take this to usually indicate that Mistress is very turned on.


Mistress teased and punished my cock as she flaunted her pussy and ass in my face, before briefly sinking down onto my cock and allowing me an inch or so of entry. It was very frustrating, but fortunately she did allow me to slide fully inside her for a few seconds later on. She also spent a couple of minutes teasing my cock and around my ass with a small vibrator, which was pretty good actually, especially around my ass – definitely wishing we’d bought that vibrating butt plug at Erotica now!


It wasn’t then long before my ass was filled and my nipples were pegged and I was left to stew in my own juice for a little while. When Mistress returned she had removed the PVC skirt she had worn earlier, but retained the black bra. She removed the dildo from my ass and the pegs from my nipples before allowing me up to remove my cock ring.


Then she stood on the bed in front of me and pulled me head between her legs and moaned as I started to lick her pussy. She pushed me away and then lay down in front of me, she looked absolutely gorgeous and I couldn’t resist kissing her beautiful smooth thighs on the way up to begin worshipping her.


This ‘silkiness’ I mentioned earlier is always a good sign, and I could just tell that Mistress was going to cum really well. Right from the start there were little signs, just little muscle spasms that told me she was really wound up, and sure enough when she came Mistress came really hard, pulling my head down between her legs as she bucked against me. After she had finished I felt so content and happy, I love it when Mistress cums like that, it is so rewarding. Mistress stood on the bed and had me lick her clean and then as I licked her juices off the PVC sheet she reached between my legs and stroked my cock.


She tied me down again and then she started teasing me with her ass again, she made me beg for her asshole and then allowed me to tongue it as she stroked my cock. Earlier in the session she had mentioned something about me having a choice to make and I assumed that it would be a choice between cumming or being allowed to lick her ass. So I was confused now, since I was already being allowed to lick her ass.


Then came the question, she asked me if I wanted to cum like this, licking her ass while she pumped my cock, or did I want to cum inside her. Mistress allowed me only seconds to think before demanding an answer one way or another, warning that if I didn’t chose I wouldn’t be cumming at all.


In the heat of the moment, and with Mistress’s gorgeous ass right in front of my face I chose to continue as we were, even though I had been fantasising about cumming inside Mistress’s pussy all week. I had already decided that I would chose licking Mistress’s ass over being allowed to cum, and this just threw me.


Needless to say, after 29 days I came incredibly hard and I can’t help wondering if the smooth as silk walls of Mistress’s pussy teasing the cum from my cock might not have been a better choice for my poor, tender cock… but as it was Mistress pumped me hard and fast until I covered her fingers in cum, cum which was then fed to me (and there seemed an awful lot of it – hardly surprisingly!).


I have to confess to a slight pang of regret at not choosing to fill Mistress’s pussy, but the grass is always greener and if she will insist on asking these questions while her pussy and ass are right in front of my face… what can I do?

FEMDOM SESSION 6th November 2013

I can’t ever remember planning a Femdom session for a work night, I know we’ve had them on weekdays before but I’m pretty sure they were during holidays or on Bank Holiday Mondays. Truth be told I don’t think we’ll be rushing to do it again… I’m not sure why but it isn’t quite the same, we usually plan them for Sunday mornings because it’s the most relaxing time to do it, plus you don’t have to worry about the postman arriving at an inopportune moment, plus you’ve then got the post session chill out of a Sunday. That aside the session was successful, albeit it didn’t quite end as we would have liked it to.

Having confessed to some cock touching earlier in October, Mistress took the opportunity to punish me with the whip and the paddle. I think she was pretty lenient actually, although I wouldn’t have said so at the time, that paddle really smarts! After this she had me worshipping her feet for quite a while as she described to me how she was teasing her pussy with her glass dildo (I was blindfolded of course, so unable to see). I love worshipping her feet so much… they are gorgeous. She seemed to be enjoying it too.


Eventually she had me up on the bed on my back and almost immediately sat on my face and allowed me to worship her pussy for a short while. My cock had been fairly unresponsive up until now (even with the Oxballs in place), but this gave it a bit of a kickstart, then she turned around and stroked my cock while teasing me by pressing her ass against my face.


Mistress soon removed my blindfold to reveal her standing over me wearing her leather skirt and a leather open bra which showed off her beautiful breasts perfectly. She lifted her skirt to show me her pussy and then she sank down onto my face once again. She lifted up and I thought she might be going to slide down my body and impale herself on my cock, but instead she turned around and teased me with her ass again a few times before letting me lick it for about three seconds.


She continued working my cock, slapping it, stroking it hard and fast and using the little cock whip on it until it was very hard indeed. She bent over and took my cock into her mouth before moving up the bed and kissing me.


“You like tasting your cock on my tongue, don’t you…”


I told her I do, and added that I would love to taste my cum on her tongue too. She said that maybe I should think about that for a while, and that maybe one day she would make that wish come true. Then she said that whatever, I love to taste my cum from any part of her… her feet, her pussy, her breasts and of course her ass…don’t I?


After this she filled my ass with a dildo and pegged my nipples before leaving me alone for a short while. The Oxballs started to sting again a little bit, though not as bad as last time. I wish I knew why it was doing that all of a sudden.


She returned after only four or five minutes, and removed the dildo and replaced it with a glass butt plug. Then she offered the strap-on dildo to my mouth before sliding the RodeoH pants on. She removed the glass butt plug and released me from my bonds, before telling me to turn over and stick my ass in the air. I felt her move behind me and within seconds she was inside my ass.
It was very intense and she fucked me quite hard and fast, after a while she asked me if I could take any more or had I had enough. It didn’t hurt but it was quite intense and made me feel very submissive as Mistress delighted in fucking me. I said I could take more, and Mistress continued fucking me a little while longer. Afterwards she told me that I had pleased her greatly, I assume she meant because I took more… but I’m not 100% sure.


Mistress had me turn back over and then knelt next to me on the bed, she asked me if I liked how she looked in the RodeoH pants, if I liked how she looked with a hard cock, I thought she looked fantastic. Mistress had me suck her strap-on very briefly, before she moved off the bed and peeled the RodeoH’s off.


Then she had me kneel on the bed and she laid back before me with her legs spread, she reached forward and stroked my cock some more. Earlier in the session I had commented how much I love watching her touch herself, especially when she has me lick her fingers clean, and now she made a show of teasing her pussy with her slender fingers before offering them to me to lick clean.


Now it was time for me to worship her gorgeous pussy, and I slowly sank down between her legs and kissed her silky smooth thighs (I adore Mistress’s thigh’s they are fucking sensational, that’s somewhere else I would love to lick my cum from, and I always make sure I spend a little time worshipping them before I move on to her pussy proper). At first everything seemed okay, but as time went on it became apparent that Mistress wasn’t really engaging 100%, she was fidgeting with the buckle on her open bra (it was digging into her back a bit) and I felt like I wasn’t at quite the right angle somehow, or that I wasn’t doing it right.


Eventually Mistress did cum, and she said it was fantastic when it did happen, but it was a rather hard-won and stressful orgasm for her. As Mistress stood up and told me to lick her clean it became apparent just how much pussy juice there was all over her ass, down the backs of of her legs and all over the PVC sheet. I diligently licked up every single drop of juice that I could find, and it was totally delicious.


Having ensured that I had cleaned up every drop, Mistress had me lay on my back and started stroking my cock again, which was now not responding that well. Unfortunately I was still feeling like I had performed poorly for her and could not really concentrate fully on what she was doing. She got my cock reasonably hard and allowed me a very brief lick of her ass and then slapped my cock and told me the session was over. It was a bit of a shame it ended like that really because up until then it had been a great session, but at least Mistress did cum in the end, it would have been awful if she hadn’t.


Like I said, it was an interesting experiment to try a session on a work-night, but I don’t think we’ll be rushing to do it again.

Ass Worship is SO FUCKING HOT!

This afternoon was just fantastic, obviously after our day out in London yesterday Mistress and I didn’t get around to having any ‘fun’ last night… we were beat, all we wanted was to shower, watch TV and go to bed. So today we made up for it…

It started like the last few times really, me laying on my side gently teasing Mistress’s gorgeous inner thighs while we kissed until she pushed me down between her legs. I must have been doing something right because when Mistress’s orgasm hit it seemed to last a really long time, she certainly seemed extremely satisfied anyway.



After she recovered she had me lie on my back and she started stroking me until I was rock hard. Almost immediately she slapped my cock and balls a couple of times and then caught me off guard a bit with an very firm ball slap while my cock was in her mouth! She continued stroking, slapping and sucking my throbbing cock for a while and then she started using her teeth on the head which was really intense and verging on painful, but so hot!


She continued teasing me as I reached around her and squeezed her ass, dreaming about plunging my tongue into her delicious asshole as she continued to jerk my cock hard. I told her how bad I wanted to lick her ass and she said…


“Well, you still have a reward owed to you. Maybe you should choose that.”


I told her I definitely wanted to choose that, to which she replied…


“Do you want it now or do you want to wait?”


I told her I wanted it right now and she manoeuvred herself on top of me, giving me a good look at her pink little rosebud and making my cock throb even harder. She made me beg for it each of the three times she allowed me to worship her ass, and I fucking loved every last second of it.
Each time Mistress lifted her ass away from my mouth she looked so happy and sexy, I don’t know how my cock didn’t explode in her hand.


The third time I pushed my tongue as deep as I could and it felt and tasted so good, I absolutely love worshipping my Mistress’s beautiful ass, it really cannot be emphasised enough just how much I fucking adore it! I just want it to go on and on, I just cannot get enough of it.
Then Mistress turned around but continued stroking my aching pole. And started telling me how badly she wants me to get to my two-stone goal, telling me how badly she wants me to get my reward, and all the time she was stroking, stroking, stroking…


She told me over and over to think about how it’s going to feel to jerk my cock until I shoot my cum all over her gorgeous ass, how it’s going to look and how it’s going to taste as I use my tongue to clean up every last drop of my cum off her ass. Over and over, until I was about ready to agree to anything she wanted just so I could do exactly that. I want so bad to lick my cum off her beautiful asshole, I know it’s going to be even better than licking it over her gorgeous breasts.


But in the meantime, making her cum so well today and then getting to worship her delicious asshole was just a spectacularly good end to the weekend. Roll on next weekend and our Femdom session!

Totally Intense and Just Fantastic...

Tonight the unexpected happened, and it was incredible! Since Mistress and I are determined to make up for lost time this week, once again we headed for the bedroom around 8pm. I lay next to my beautiful Mistress and we started to kiss and I gently stroked her thighs and around her pussy. My cock was soon rock hard and Mistress reached down to grab it and stroke it. I licked my fingers and gently began teasing her slit and it wasn’t long before she indicated that she wanted me down between her legs and licking her pussy.

I moved down the bed and once again tried to get comfortable laying on my throbbing cock. She tasted wonderful as always and I gently kissed and licked her pussy before adding my index finger and eventually bringing her to a lovely climax. As she recovered I gently kissed her inner thighs and breathed in her scent, but was unprepared for what happened next.

She reached down, pulled me up the bed and started stroking my cock as I leant over her to kiss her again. Was she going to let me slide into her slippery, wet pussy right now? I hadn’t cum for twenty one days and the thought of being allowed inside her, maybe even to cum inside her made my cock really throb and ache.

After a short while she pulled me nearer and fed my cock into her hot, slippery hole. It felt absolutely amazing, the way that it only can when you are only allowed something sporadically, and perhaps crucially, at another’s whim. I started to slide my cock in and out of Mistress, enjoying each and every stroke as if it was the last, but then as I started to stroke deeper and deeper I almost fell out. She told me to just hold it inside her for a minute, which I did… and then she started to push against me, indicating that she wanted me to thrust inside her again.

After a couple of minutes I was starting to get close and I told Mistress I couldn’t take much more, she asked me if I wanted to cum inside her. Usually my answer would be ‘if it pleases you Mistress’, but in this instance I didn’t want to give her that answer and I told her I did want to be allowed to cum inside her. She asked me how bad I wanted it, but before I could really follow through I felt myself getting really close and had to warn her again because if she had any intention of brinksmanship* then I was about to fail – big time!

She told me she was allowing me to cum and as I felt the edge building and growing ever closer she repeated her demand that I should tell her how bad I wanted it, more urgently this time. I felt my cock starting to strain and I have no idea what I actually said in that moment, I just remember my cock pumping over and over as I filled my gorgeous Mistress’s pussy full of cum. It seemed to go on and on like it was never going to stop, truly one of the best orgasms I’ve had since we started this blog I’m sure.

After a short period of recovery and kissing Mistress intensely, and with no sign of her ordering me to clean her, I decided to move back down the bed and lick her pussy. I figured, Mistress Marie said I needed to take the incentive to worship her feet until it became normal for her to ‘order’ me to do it, so why should this be any different. It was lovely to lick her pussy of course, but surprisingly there wasn’t a single drop of cum there for me to clean up. Once again I seem to have pumped it too damned deep, I really need to try and rectify this, but it’s kind of difficult to think about that in the heat of the moment. Of course Mistress laying on her back wasn’t prompting any cum to appear and she didn’t seem inclined to sit on my face either. Even when she got up it was somewhat reluctant…

After a short while she moved my mouth away from her pussy and we lay together on the bed, holding each other as she told me about her day. I must admit it is a tiny bit disappointing that the last two times I’ve got to cum has been inside my gorgeous Mistress and neither has resulted in a proper cream pie, but really… the sex this evening was so fucking good, I really can’t bring myself to be unhappy about that. Besides, hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I get to spray my cum all over her wonderful ass and lick it clean.

In the meantime, it’s amazing to realize just how amazing basic, vanilla, missionary position, PIV sex can be… at least when it’s set against a backdrop of three weeks of chastity and teasing, and several orgasms for my beautiful Mistress. It seems obvious to me that you can have too much of a good thing, and this lifestyle has a wonderful way of charging even the most basic of lovemaking with some serious intensity. I am so glad my Mistress is totally on board with this now, I realy can’t imagine ever going back to being a ‘free’ man again.

*Mistress hasn’t done this in quite a while actually, when she first let me go on top she would stop me when I got close… I’m not sure if this is simply because she gets to a point where she wants me to cum inside her or what, but it’s her decision so if she lets me edge inside her and then tells me to stop I will, just as I will gladly finish inside her if that’s what she decides.

Four Orgasms in Five Days!

Finally the text box is working again, so I’ve been able to reinstate the ‘Most Recent Orgasms’ box on the front page. It’s been a good week so far, with four orgasms in five days for Mistress R and three lovely sessions of teasing for me. Mistress is really starting to get into slapping my balls and doing it without being asked, she’s also started doing it a bit harder too. I’ve certainly felt a little ache now and again today, but I don’t mind, it’s a lovely reminder of last night’s fun.

We are going to London on Saturday, it’s Erotica again and we need to replace Mistress R’s PVC top, which sadly lost it’s shape a few months ago.

I guess she has had it quite a few years now, must have seen a fair few sessions… probably ten years since we bought it. It was always a favourite of mine and I was sorry to see it go. I really hope we can find a suitable replacement.

According to the website the new venue has a ‘fully working dungeon with demonstrations’, which sounds promising. I always thought that Erotica lacked a certain something. For one thing there was no atmosphere because the venue was ridiculously inappropriate, a huge hall with a glass roof capable of hosting show jumping… does that really sound like a nice intimate place? Hardly. It sounds like the new place is a lot more suitable, I guess we’ll see in a couple of days.

The new venue is on the outskirts of London at the newly refurbished Tobacco Dock, let’s hope the train service is better than the one to Olympia which was always completely hopeless and unreliable. There are shows every hour alternating between Torture Garden and a collection of Dream Boy types…. which is usually pretty amusing. I remember a couple of years ago Mistress R had me sitting in the front row with her and there was this black guy who looked like ‘Blade’ doing his thing, and he had her rubbing oil onto his six pack right in front of me. At least he didn’t ask me to do it!

Another funny memory was there was this show on the main stage and there was a mixture of guys and girls dancing and stripping, and there was this one guy who was absolutely shit, he was out of time with everyone else and he couldn’t rip his trousers of when he was supposed to. So come the end of the show and you’re really wondering what this guy was doing up there, cos he was a bit rubbish. Next minute he rips what little clothing he still had on off and his cock is just standing out straight in front of him about a foot!
Talk about a show-stopper! I was scared… hahaha.

Back on the diet after our week off, think I’ve lost a couple of pounds so far, I reckon I put on five or six so still a little way to go, but I don’t have to weigh in until next Tuesday, and I’ve still got a treat in hand. Gotta get to that two stone reward though, really need it soon…. the mere thought of jerking off over Mistress R’s ass and licking it up is enough to drive me crazy. When I finally get there I know it’s going to be awesome!

Girls Masturbate - Why Can't We Talk About It?

I was looking on the Daily Telegraph website today, actually I was looking for reviews of a shite comedy series that started last night (the review was good, the public comments echoed my own thoughts…nice to know it’s not you), and at the bottom of the page there were various links to other pages on the website.

One which caught my eye was entitled ‘Girls masturbate, why can’t we talk about it?‘ Which I will repost here just in case you can’t see it in another country or something…

Who doesn’t love busting a taboo? Doesn’t it make you feel edgy and modern and SHOCKING? Do you remember the ‘90s, when anal sex was the taboo du jour (du decade?)? I put this in no small part down to overexposure to Sex and the City, which definitely mentioned it at least twice in six years. But yeah! Anal sex was cool! Because it was taboo! And nothing’s sexier than busting a taboo, yeah!

Then, after watching a bit more Sex and the City, we decided that the use of the word c**t was a far bigger taboo, so we started saying it loads, all the time, to show how edgy we were.

Once the naughtiest of all the naughty words, c**t is only months away from being used on Hollyoaks Later – which means it’s only a matter of time before Corrie’s Rita start’s shouting it at Norris across the street’s cornershop – The Kabin when he forgets to top up the sherbet lemons.

So we need another taboo to bust – but what’s left? I went to see the very funny Book of Mormon this week, where a running joke about a man ‘f***ing a baby’ had the audience, including myself, crying with laughter (seriously, go and see it, it really is excellent), which makes me wonder if there’s anywhere left to go.

And then I remembered the one dirty little secret we’re all harbouring. The one thing we can’t talk about, even amongst our closest female friends. Female masturbation.

Obviously there are conditions attached to this: vibrators are fine – we can discuss vibrators, go and buy them together, attend hen nights where we have to rescue a vibrator from a stripper’s butt cheeks using only our pelvic floor muscles (I don’t go to many hen nights – but that’s what happens when you’ve finished glazing your own commemorative mugs, right?). Only a prude would admit to not owning a vibrator. They’re sexy! And fun! Sexy fun! And empowering! And that one with the ears once featured in Sex and the City! So we’re fine with that.

But we never discuss female masturbation, on its own, without a purple, glittery, revolving phallus, without a man present, just for the sake of it.

I can talk about it, if someone else brings it up in conversation (which rarely happens), but I have to force myself to swallow my discomfort first, and I’d never bring it up myself – why is that? The topics of conversation I’ll cover with my closest friends know no bounds – except this one. Is it just too personal? Because that’s how it feels. I managed to get one friend, who will discuss her bowel movements with me at the drop of a hat, to admit that she masturbates. But only when she’d drunk the best part of a bottle of wine.

But why the double standard? Men talk about wanking all the time. A male friend “knows a guy” who prides himself on the number of times he can fit a wank in during a day at work. His record is 23.

Twenty-three times in one working day? That doesn’t sound like fun. That sounds as close to self-flagellation as you can get on an industrial estate in Croydon. But nonetheless, his wanking prowess is a point of pride.

In fact The Most Ancient and Most Puissant Order of the Beggar’s Benison and Merryland, Anstruther, known as The Beggar’s Benison, was a Scottish gentlemen’s club founded in 1732, devoted to “the convivial celebration of male sexuality”. It was a wanking club.

But is female masturbation actually taboo? Or am I the maiden aunt clutching her pearls while all the cool kids go off to masturbation raves in warehouses, where they take loads of ketamine and frig themselves silly?

As Telegraph Wonder Women’s agony aunt Dr Petra Boyntonpoints out, masturbation itself isn’t taboo – it’s talked about far more in sex education and in the media than say, 50 years ago. Instead, the problem lies with how we discuss it, and the language we use. “In the UK, the discussion focuses on products (toys) and performance/aspirational messages around spicing up your sex life. But, we don’t talk about how to masturbate or how that might be interpreted within a relationship.

“Masturbation is happening and we talk about it but the media/self help market uses language in quite a limiting way, which actually means it’s not a taboo but can be difficult to talk about.”

Masturbation is fine when it’s for the purposes of male titillation. But WHY? Does female desire, on its own and without a purpose (to make babies, or to please a man) make us uncomfortable? Are women not allowed to be horny, just because? And why do women refuse to talk about masturbating even when they are just in female company? We are the generation that talk about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING. But not this.

It’s almost like there’s a conspiracy we’re all a willing part of, a refusal to discuss female masturbation sensibly, lest all the women discover their clitorises, drop what they’re doing and start furiously wanking in the nearest cupboard. But that would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?

Not that I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about the subject, no really I haven’t… but it does seem that the writer has a good point. For instance, the word ‘wank’ conjours up a very male specific image, and yet there is no universally accepted female equivalent. Why? And as the writer says, it’s one thing that women don’t talk about it in front of men, but women seemingly don’t even talk about it to other women, not that I’m suggesting that I talk to other men about wanking…. not that I’d have a lot to say on the subject anyway! Well, you know what I mean.

Maybe this secrecy/taboo element is why it turns men on to think about women ‘pleasuring’ themselves, or maybe it reassures us that women do actually like sex and they aren’t just going along with the whole charade to stop us getting grumpy. Women may scoff at this but it is very odd to us men that something as simple as self-gratification is such a taboo subject. Men discover wanking at a relatively early age and apart from those of us who enter into slightly unorthodox agreements with our partners, most men will carry on jerking their cocks until such time as they die, or cease to function sufficiently. 

To us it’s a no brainer, we wouldn’t even take offence if we are termed a wanker (as long as it’s said in jest) because we all know we are, it’s a common interest, like porn or football (actually I don’t like football). So to us, it’s a peculiar thing that the vast majority of women are so coy about it, or actively claim not to indulge themselves. I’m forty three now, and in all my years I can only recall one instance of a woman I knew talking openly about it and that was at school (a girl called Bridget talking to another girl about rubbing herself against her pillow, or something… truth be told school is a long time ago now). 

Anyway, I think the article said pretty much everything, I hope you enjoyed reading it.

Last night’s weigh-in was not as bad as I feared it might be, following my first ‘holiday week’. I put on 2.5lbs, but I was more than happy with that, thinking that over a two week period I could easily have put on 7lbs. So it’s back on the wagon now, and now of course rather than 3lbs to go until my 28lb milestone (2 Stones in English money) it 5.5lbs, and I’ll have to lose 3lb before I get any other treat of course… Still that’s not really that bad. I lost 4lbs the first two weeks I started (8lbs in total), so I reckon it should be reasonably do-able. We’ll see. 

Well, I can’t sit around typing all night, I have some pussy worship to attend to!