Getting 'In My Head' Again...

I wouldn’t say I’m a pessimist, but as I’ve said before here, I am a bit of a ‘worrier’. Not all the time, and I’m probably less of a worrier now than I used to be, bit still it does rear it’s head from time to time. Case in point, last week, I started noticing I was feeling a bit ‘in my head’, particularly when Mistress and I were in the restaurant/bar we go to on Thursday evenings. When Mistress went to powder her nose, instead of pondering the possibilities of her having me do something ‘interesting’ in the car park on the way back to the car, or her having me kiss her feet for a second in our sheltered little alcove, instead I started ‘worrying’. This feeling returned on Saturday afternoon when Mistress and I were driving around and I said to her only half-jokingly ‘Don’t you sometimes wish I was a little less weird?’

I mean, you probably think that I’ve been full-time in chastity with Mistress R for eight years, so what on earth is there to worry about. That’s true, but as we said, the chastity thing has forged ahead really, while the Femdom side of things has faltered in comparison, and Mistress always said she didn’t want to have a 24/7 Femdom relationship (and neither do I, in as much as I don’t want to be constantly naked, on my knees, drinking her pee out of a dog bowl from the second I get home from work!)

But I do want to feel like our Femdom relationship is as full time as our chastity one, if only in the sense that Mistress can invoke her power at any time and I will fall into ‘slave mode’ immediately. Which I would, obviously!

But yeah, sometimes… I do feel a bit like, self-conscious about how I am. Because it’s not just the one thing: I like having my orgasms controlled, I love worshipping Mistress’s feet and ass, I love being made to eat my cum, I love being fucked in the ass, I love having my balls abused… the list goes on, it would be bad enough if I just had one thing going on, but nah, I have to be a little weirdo with multiple fetishes don’t I!

What makes it worse, is that Mistress doesn’t really have any embarrassing ‘nastiness’ of her own to make me feel better about it all (well, she does, but only in as much as she likes reading some pretty depraved sex stories, which doesn't really help much... since she can read those privately if she wants to).

I’m sure she enjoys whipping me, having her feet kissed, slapping my balls and probably some of the other things, but at the end of the day I’m sure she could just as easily live happily without any of these things.

Mistress, being completely wonderful, reassured me that if there was something she really didn’t like she would tell me. Cross dressing seems to be a red line, which is fine by me because I have zero interest in that. I did joke that I wouldn’t ever ask her to defecate on me, because ‘you have to draw the line somewhere’, Mistress agreed but also said she would draw the line before that.

And she did say that she likes that we have this ‘secret’ life together that nobody else knows about (well, nobody except the people who read our blog, obviously) and that she feels it creates an extra, special ‘bond’ between us, and I totally agree with her on that.

I don’t know, maybe if you live somewhere were you have a community of like-minded people to share your experiences with, does that make it easier to accept your own weirdness? Probably, but I don’t think that’s something that Mistress and I would ever do anyway, we’re antisocial at the best of times, we just prefer to be together really.

To be honest, my worrying has receded again now, albeit I know it will come back sooner or later, and I didn’t write this asking for a pity party. I actually thought it might help someone reading this who’s feeling bad about themselves and their kinks, maybe reading this from someone they probably think has it all together, might possibly make them realise that they’re not the only one who can find it hard to accept that their partner loves them for who they are, no matter how odd they might feel about their own peculiarities.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Mistress who accepts me and my kinks, I love her so much and it really quite annoys me that I get these periods of self-doubt. On the other hand I feel like I’m quite lucky to have this forum to talk about these things and get them off my chest.

I guess the thing is, that by opening up about these things to your partner you make yourself vulnerable, but if you don’t then how can you really live the life you want to live? Nothing truly worth having is effortless to attain after all…